Photo by Junaid Ahmad Ansari on Unsplash
Chapter 1: Daydreams in the school bus
Krishna was not part of the in-crowd at school. Her name had never entered the What’s Amazing This Week list. She never had access to news about who was hooking up with whom. But she was president of the debate club, which was a big deal because the Nanamoria High School Debate club had won every single inter-school debate in the last five years. She was also head of the girls’ cricket team, and the school captain. Her parents were proud of her. She was proud of herself. In general.
She wanted to kick herself today. When Sia from 12B had coyly sidled up to her as they worked together in the chemistry lab, and asked (in her much-practiced trademark husky whisper) — “Are you and Kabir seeing each other, Krishna?” — Krishna had felt her face burn. This was a first — the sense that her ears were on fire and her tongue was stuck to her mouth. It didn’t help that she had been daydreaming about Kabir all through the lab class, and Sia’s question had interrupted a particularly detailed fantasy. But maybe she had taken my red face as a sign of anger rather than shame, Krishna hoped, squirming in embarrassment as she remembered.
When Krishna did not look up from her slide, Sia had hurriedly continued. “Look, Kay-Kay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I reeeeeally like Kabir, you know, and I was thinking of telling him how I feel. But I don’t want to do it if you guys are together. A lot of folks in 12A say that you are? That’s why I wanted to ask you before I say anything?”
Krishna had pulled herself together, shrugged and gone back to adjusting the microscope. “Nope, we’re just friends. You should definitely ask him out.” Then, forcing a smile, she had even thrown in a “you guys will look super cute together,” hoping it didn’t sound as fake as it felt.
Sia had seemed to believed her. “I know! All my followers say I should date someone with hair as curly as mine. We would look sooooo good together! I cannot wait to add Kabir into my display picture. Everyone will go nuts! Thanks so much, Krishna! You know I was really worried, because you guys are super close, but I guess you’re more like brother and sister. You’ve been friends since first standard, no?”
No, we’ve actually been friends longer than that, sighed Krishna as she replayed the conversation in her mind. She looked fixedly out of the bus windows, glad that no one had come to sit next to her. She didn’t want to talk to anyone.
Krishna could not remember a time when Kabir had not been a part of her life. He was always there, part of every memory. Their parents had been friends and neighbours before Krishna or Kabir were born, within a few months of each other. Their mothers had bought them matching bags for their first day of pre-school. She smiled as she remembered those bags. Bright red bags with the “KN” monogramed in large yellow letters. Krishna Nagarkar and Kabir Niyazi. They had been best friends their whole lives, talking to each other for hours each day, never running out of things to discuss, ending and starting the day with each other. They often fell asleep chatting with each other, and restarted the conversation as soon as they woke up.
Sia was wrong about the other thing too. Krishna did not see Kabir as her brother, especially not over the past year. She had no idea when their friendship had started to change. Was it when he sent her kisses GIF with his goodnight message a few months ago? She had been surprised to feel a strange constriction in her chest in response to that message. No, even before that. Was it when they had collided into each other in the stairwell? He was flushed from playing football, pushing his damp hair away from his eyes. They had swayed in each other’s arms for a moment, trying not to fall, then separated, giggling. She had not been able to concentrate on a word in her class that evening, unable to push Kabir out of her mind.
She wondered if he knew that she had feelings for him. All their lives he had been able to understand her feelings before anyone else did. When they were in class 9 and she had a secret heartache over Ishan who was with Pari and did not even know that Krishna existed, Kabir had noticed. Could it be that he knew this too? And maybe he liked her back? She had caught him smiling at her in a different sort of way recently. Maybe.
Should she tell him? What’s the worst that would happen? It wouldn’t spoil their friendship; she was sure of that. If he didn’t feel the same way, he would sweet about it. He always was. It would be horribly awkward for her though. But what if he did like her and was waiting for her to say something? How wonderful would that be! Best friends turning into a couple. Suck on that, Sia.
By the time the bus pulled up in front of her apartment complex, Krishna had worked herself into a fever of excitement. She was going to tell him. Today. Right now. Before she lost this sudden bout of courage. Before Sia asked him (if she hadn’t already).
It was nearly four PM. Krishna knew that her parents, and Kabir’s, would not be back from work for another three hours at least. His sister would be at college too, with any luck. Kabir had skipped school to work on college application essays and he would be alone at home. She waved hello to the building guard, entered the lift and pressed the seventeenth-floor button. Kabir’s home was on the floor above hers. There must have been hundreds of times when she had gone to his house before going to her own, but today it felt like she was going there for the first time. As she got out of the lift, her knees had a slight tremor, the kind that came just before she got on the stage during a debate. The same mixture of fear and excitement.
Calm down, Krishna, she said to herself. If it does not feel right, you can just ask for his Physics notes and come back. No, I won’t be a chicken, I will tell him how I feel, she resolved. She rang the bell at the door marked Dr N. Niazi.
Chapter 2: Kabir and Krishna
Kabir’s face broke into a happy grin when he saw Krishna.
“Dude! When the bell rang, I was like oh god please let be Krishna! I hit submit on MIT just about ten minutes back and my brain feels fried. I thought I would do the crossword to unwind but I absolutely cannot focus! Did you do it today? Did you see the clue for six down? What the hell is it! Are you hungry? Let me see what Auntie has made today. There was some talk of fish curry. Or do you want a milkshake?”
He had taken her bag as he talked and put it on one of the chairs around the dining table. He was now peering into the fridge. Krishna stood next to him, staring at his profile. Had he always been this good looking? Tall, muscular. Large brown eyes. Curly hair that all the girls wanted to sink their hands into. He was wearing his football shorts with a yellow T shirt. Krishna felt like she wanted to look at his legs for hours. It was strange to think that she had known him forever. She had never been this aware of him.
He turned around. “We have rice and fish-curry and raita. You hungry?”
Krishna shook her head. “Maybe later,” she said. She sat on the couch and picked up the newspaper. “Six down is ‘jointly’,” she smirked. “I got it in literally one second, Kabi.”
“Fine, smartypants. But I was trying to do it after writing a 3000-word essay on my life purpose.” He sat next to her and their legs touched. Krishna’s breath felt stuck in her chest.
“Yeah, that MIT essay was a pain, I agree,” she said with an effort.
“Hey, are you okay? You look so weird. Did something happen at school?”
His face was inches from hers. She leaned over and kissed him. She was surprised at herself, but it seemed like it happened on its own, without her thinking about it. Kabir jumped back as though she had hit him.
“Krishna! What are you doing?”
She searched his face and saw only shock. And fear. Tears came into her eyes. She stood up.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that. I’m sorry. I thought-” She rushed to pick up her bag. All she wanted now was to get to her home.
“Krishna, wait!” He called as she walked to the door. “Wait just one minute, please.”
He ran into his room and came back with a notebook in his hand. “I need to show you something. Please don’t go before you’ve seen this. Please?”
He had opened the notebook and was holding it out to her. It was his diary. He had titled the page “Plans for 2018” and underlined it. The rest of the page was a list.
1. Start college at MIT
2. Tell K about feelings
3. Drive to the Yosemite
She looked up at him, unable to speak.
“I like you too. I was going to tell you after I go to college. After we’re both there I mean.”
“Why?” She asked, angry. “Why are you planning your life like a stupid to-do list? First MIT, then feelings. Such a goody two-shoes. Why?”
He looked away. “Because it’s not safe here,” he said to the fridge.
This was unexpected. “Not safe? What does that mean, not safe?”
Kabir tugged at his hair and took a deep breath. “Okay I’ll try and explain,” he said. “Can you please come back and sit down? Please? Just try and listen to me for 5 minutes.”
He took her hand and pulled her to the couch. Krishna felt some of the awkwardness ebbing. This was the two of them, talking the way they always did. Kabir sat next to her on the couch. Then, as though he was uncomfortable by their closeness, he turned around to sit cross legged, facing her. He picked up the newspaper, then put it back. He then picked up his phone and put that back too. Krishna was curious to see this fidgety side of him, curious about whatever he was going to tell her. Underneath the curiosity, she had a glee-filled voice that kept saying — he likes you! Kabir likes you!
He took a deep breath. “Can you promise me you won’t roll your eyes? Or judge me? Or think I’m a coward? Or laugh?”
She giggled. His discomfort was making her feel better by the minute. “I promise,” she said, counting on her fingers, “no eye-rolling, or laughing, or judging. Done.”
He looked at her. “Have you read about, umm, “love jihaad”?” He put the phrase in air quotes, and made a face.
She raised her eyebrows. “Yes, I have. But — what?”
“If you and I date, people will say it’s love jihaad and we’ll both be unsafe.”
“Kabi come on! That’s such nonsense.”
“Really? How many Hindu-Muslim couples do you know, Krishna?”
“I don’t know any. You know that — you and I know the same bunch of people. But that doesn’t mean anything. We live in Saket. Not in a village in Haryana. No one can tell us what to do! Now I know why you asked me not to roll my eyes. Why are you imagining these weird things?”
Kabir was silent for a moment, looking at his hands. He looked up again, and he looked miserable.
“I’m not imagining it. Last month, Abhinav Bhaiya stopped me after the football match,” he said. Abhinav Chaturvedi was the secretary of the youth club in their residential complex. His father was an MP. “He asked me if you and I were dating. He said I shouldn’t even think about it. He said he didn’t want to see any love jihad in his neighbourhood.”
“What the actual fuck? How dare he? Did you tell your father? This is plain and simple bullying, Kabi!”
He looked at her steadily, not answering.
Krishna’s voice rose. “What? See, I’m not judging or eye-rolling, but I’m angry. You did not tell me to not get angry. How can he speak to you like that? And why are you listening to him?”
In reply, Kabir leaned over and kissed her.
They heard footsteps outside the door and pulled away, afraid that Fiza had returned from college early. The footsteps passed to the house next door. Kabir and Krishna looked at each other and laughed. Her heart was beating so loudly that she was sure Kabir could hear it. But she didn’t feel shy or awkward anymore. They liked each other and nothing else mattered.
Kabir brought her back to earth. “Krishna,” he said taking a deep breath, “this is why I said don’t judge me. You know, we live in a bubble and we don’t realise that this religion business is actually a lot closer than we think. Saket is not that different from a village in Haryana. It’s not just Abhinav bhaiya, other people have said things to me too. Although he was the most direct. I feel like things could become difficult for my family. I’ve started to notice so many things. Have you seen that all my cousins have dated and married only Muslims? 90% per cent of Abbu’s patients are Muslims, I can’t believe I’ve only recently realised that. Like there is a massive invisible line between Hindus and Muslims and now that I’ve started to see it, I see it everywhere.”
Krishna was silent. What a day of firsts, she was thinking. First time we kiss, first time we talk about religion.
Kabir continued to speak gently. “Krishna, I like you a lot. I’ve had feelings for you forever. Even when you liked Ishan, even when you were with Rohan. I’ve never liked anyone else.”
Krishna wanted to dance. She kissed him again. He pulled away.
“No, let me finish. This is very difficult to say. We can’t see each other — like that — while we’re in India. In a few months’ time, unless we’re very unlucky, we will be in the US. That’s when we can be together. I’m sorry if this sounds crazy, but that’s how it has to be.”
They talked for hours. It was the first time that Krishna was not able to change Kabir’s mind.
